Co-Dependency ~ Break the Barrier!
| You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. --Beverly Sills |
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of
codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop
from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed
as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a
dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family
rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: A set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors
learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great
emotional pain and stress.
*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious
desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness;
chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce;
hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with
people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent
person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing
their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the
codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved
with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to
recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors
and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
How do I know if I’m codependent?
Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect,
don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as
much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can
indicate you’re codependent.
What are some of the symptoms?
Isn’t everyone codependent?
There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look likecodependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a
continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists
because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to
be met? We probably can’t say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably
don’t feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.
Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the
important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.
e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.
If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective,
society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn’t change
that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is,
how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?
Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules
that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has
been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some
other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a
result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions
to situations in adult life.
codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop
from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed
as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a
dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family
rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: A set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors
learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great
emotional pain and stress.
*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious
desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness;
chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce;
hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with
people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent
person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing
their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the
codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved
with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to
recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors
and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
How do I know if I’m codependent?
Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect,
don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as
much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can
indicate you’re codependent.
What are some of the symptoms?
 | controlling behavior | |
| distrust | |
| perfectionism | |
| avoidance of feelings | |
| intimacy problems | |
| care-taking behavior | |
| hyper-vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger) | |
| physical illness related to stress | |
|
Isn’t everyone codependent?
There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like
continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists
because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to
be met? We probably can’t say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably
don’t feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.
Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the
important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.
e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.
If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective,
society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn’t change
that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is,
how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?
Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules
that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has
been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some
other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
 | It’s not okay to talk about problems | |
| Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself | |
| Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; | |
| known in therapy as triangulation | ||
| Be strong, good, right, perfect | |
| Make us proud beyond realistic expectations | |
| Don’t be selfish | |
| Do as I say not as I do | |
| It’s not okay to play or be playful | |
| Don’t rock the boat. |
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of
result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions
to situations in adult life.
| What is co-dependency? What's the definition? |
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